Thoughts of a Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder
by fangiosfriend
Summary: Han's brain tussles with his...brawn. T rating for his saucy musings. Leia features metaphorically...


**Lord knows where this story came from. I rack it up to overdosing on Benadryl while convalescing in front of boring daytime TV. Sometimes a girl has to make her own entertainment…**

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Han flipped over again and released an exasperated sigh. Willing himself to just _go to_ _sleep dammit!_ He clenched his eyes tightly and breathed deeply. After exactly two seconds, he sat up, punched his pillow savagely and flopped down again with an agonized groan.

It was embarrassing. This itch. This urge. How could one tiny, priggish, pain in the butt get under his skin so much?

There was no denying it any longer. He was incredibly… horny. He wanted her. He wanted to do things with her in dark closets, on rumpled beds and up against walls. With Leia. Only Leia. No female had ever come close to driving him to such utter distraction before.

For Sith's sake, he wasn't some adolescent, hormone fuelled space cadet! He was Han Solo – renowned seducer and conqueror of countless forgotten women across six star systems. Leia's no different.

_Yes she is_, challenged a voice inside his head.

Huh?

_She's special._

Special?

_And this is why, Solo, you haven't loved her up and left her yet. _

She's not even that pretty! Wouldn't know a sexy outfit if she fell over it.

_Liar,_ replied The Voice. _She's gorgeous._

She dresses like one of the foot soldiers!

_ It's not what she wears it's the way she wears it._

A snowsuit and combat gear?

_Which floats your boat quite nicely. _

What do you mean?

_All that soft skin encased in utilitarian armour - you're dying to unwrap and discover the woman you know is underneath. The one you saw at the awards ceremony on Yavin a couple of years ago._

Thanks. That really helps, Voice. Now all I can see is fantasy cleavage and a twinkle in her eye. By the way, just where did that twinkle and delectable skin go?

_You know things are desperate here. Give her a break. Ceremonial princess dresses and smiles are hard to come by. She's just holding on. _

Do you think it's - this stupid attraction - just because she's hard to get? No one has resisted me this long. It makes things more interesting.

_No. It's her. Just Leia. _

Just Leia. And just who is that, Oh Wise One?

_She's your match you idiot. _

What are you, Voice? A Jedi Master? What makes you think that?

_To begin with, when you're not fighting with her, you show off to get her attention._

Show off? Who's a show off? Like what?

_The shuttle engine._

What that? That was a genuine problem. No one else was around, so I had fix it.

_And take your shirt off? _

It was filthy with converter grease. And besides, Leia deserves a perve now and then. Not my fault she appreciates a marvellous physique.

_The mess hall._

That was a completely innocent coincidence. I didn't know she was walking by. She just happened to overhear the end of conversation.

_The part that happened to be about how you single-handedly fought off three Imperial storm troopers in a bar on Coruscant? _

Yeah that. Well it was true_. _

_Even though you failed to mention one of them broke your jaw and you were eating through a straw for your next four smuggler runs? _

Well everything leading up to that was true.

_Bending over the fresher pipe and – _

Okay okay! So my usual mojo magic doesn't work around her. I get it!

_She was never going to be impressed. You have much to learn about your inner qualities. _

When did you get so Ben Kenobi on me – Oh Annoying Voice?

_Ever since you turned the Falcon back and helped the kid Solo._

Yeah. That was weird. But what's with the wise cracking? That's my job. Now I'm just confusing myself…

_Leia isn't just any woman. What is she to you?_

What? I dunno.

_Yes you do. _

Oh come on, it's late.

_Spill. _

All right. Anything to get you off my back.

_I'm waiting. _

Well to start with, she's an uptight, stubborn, prissy little -

_Stop right there. _

Huh?

_Cut the crap and be truthful Solo. It's just you and me here. _

Wow. For non-corporeal inner consciousness bouncing around inside my head, you sure are bossy.

_Stop stalling._

Okay! Okay…truthfully…give me a second…

_It's not that hard._

I'm thinking all right?

_Tiring work eh? _

Lay off will you? I get enough of that from her.

_Just doing my job. _

Okay I've got it.

_I'm all ears_.

She's hot.

_Please. There's more to her than that. _

Hey give me some credit – it's the first time I've admitted that!

_Lots of women are hot. Think Solo. _

But she is. Any idiot can see it. All that tightly bound dark hair and big doe eyes with really long lashes. She's sexy. Especially in the briefing room when she's all business and giving orders. I mean she has these really plump, red kissable lips and the way she walks…. man I just want to -

_Focus Solo. That's just carnal stuff. What is it that makes her unique?_

I dunno.

_Try. _

She doesn't put up with my bantha shit?

_Ah. Now we are on to something. _

I like that she can throw it back. I like a woman who isn't scared to say what she thinks_. _

_Interesting._

She's a crack shot with a blaster and isn't afraid to get her hands dirty. Not a bad pilot either. And she's brave.

_Now you're thinking. Not so hard once you try eh? _

She needs help but she isn't helpless. She's strong. Intelligent.

_Good. Keep going._

She can be really nice. Like when Chewie got sick. Even though we both haven't signed up she made sure he got looked after.

_She's always been kind. You just didn't want to notice. _

Well – she's always yelling at me. It's not like I've had time. Ahh this is stupid! It's just a list of stuff we have in common. I have lots of things in common with Chewie. Does that mean I should be smooching him too? What does it prove?

_Leia is The One. She makes you want to be better man Solo. That in itself is miracle._

Hmm. You – Sagely Hermit Voice In My Head - definitely have your poetic qualities. _The One_. Sounds a bit gooey for me, but you could be onto something there. Okay, so say you are right. What do I do about it?

_You really want this woman? _

Yeah.

_Not just to sleep with her? _

Yeah. But don't get me wrong – I still want to sleep with her, right now in fact - but you know, I also want to look after her and see her smile and be happy. I want to do manly macho stuff, like whisk her away from this ice rock and protect her and father her children - Sith…where did THAT come from?

_So you love her. _

Err…

_Yes?_

Um. Yeah.

_Yeah what? _

Yeah. I guess I do. I love her. Holy Sith.

_Why Holy Sith? _

Hang on. I'm hyperventilating here.

_Take your time. _

Well…. I've never loved anyone before.

_Why does this surprise you? Leia is worthy of being loved. _

I never thought I'd fall for that.

_Fall for what? _

Love is for saps and it makes you weak.

_Do you feel weak? _

No – apart from the heart palpitations. But to be honest –

_ - Now you're getting it - _

- I feel frustrated and a teeny bit scared.

_Why? _

Could she love me back? I don't think she even likes me. I've tried.

_Have you really? You know, apart from the showing off? _

What do you mean?

_Come on Solo. You know what I mean – _

There's no need to get stroppy –

_What I'm asking is, have you just been yourself around her? Shared who you really are?_

No.

_Well, there you go. _

But I don't know who I am. Do you?

_No. But that's what she's waiting for. _

Cripes! How does a guy work this one out?

_Start by growing up. _

Oh not that! That's boring.

_But also entirely necessary if you want Leia in your life. _

You mean I have to earn her?

_Bingo._

I have to tell her all the stuff I don't want to talk about and listen to her tell me her feelings and worries and stuff.

_Yep. _

And do stuff I don't always agree with but makes her happy?

_Correct. _

That's a lot of stuff.

_But she's worth it right? _

Yeah she is. I can do that.

_Yes you can. _

I already do a bit. Don't I?

_Hmmm. _

You've picked a good time to get reticent on me, haven't you?

_Well, you're actually working it out for yourself for once. _

She hasn't told me to bugger off, has she?

_No. _

And she keeps hanging around asking me to do stuff.

_Yes._

She mustn't entirely hate me_. _

_A good sign. There's hope._

Maybe I should lay off her a bit? Give her some space. Get on with it and let her come to me.

_That would be a start._

But I really, really want to kiss her. And other things. Without clothes on.

_So we're back to that again are we_?

Hey I'm a guy. It's what we do.

_Well it's a sure-fire way of scaring her off unless she wants to. Does she want to?_

I think so. She wouldn't bother arguing with me if I completely repulsed her. Sometimes she looks like she wants me to do something apart from throw sarcastic comebacks at her. And when she smiles… man it almost hurts to look at her.

_Well until you're certain, you're just going to have to wait._

Ah heck!

_You're a grown man and she's a woman with crushing responsibilities who needs someone who's got her back - not constantly trying to get into her pants._

Hey – that's my woman you're talking about! And what I feel for her is much more than pants prying, buster.

_I know. _

Exactly.

_But does she know that? _

Ah… No.

_All women need to know. Even the strong, intelligent ones. _

Yeah. I guess.

_No time like the present._

It's the graveyard shift.

_And she's always working. Go take her some caff. Keep her company. _

Good idea.

_But keep your hands to yourself. _

Ah shucks, but she'll be all sleepy and vulnerable. How can a guy resist that?

_You'll find a way. _

What if she's slumped over the map table like last time? I have stroke her a bit

to wake her up don't I?

_A gentle squeeze on the shoulder. Parental touch only. _

What if there's some hair in her eyes? It's only gentlemanly to -

_No. She can tell what you're doing. _

Just a –

_No. _

Well for crying out loud - what CAN I do?

_Be her friend. _

Her friend.

_Try it on for size. _

Thanks for nothing pal.

_You're welcome. _

Smart arse.

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_**Thanks for reading! Hope you got a chuckle out of it.** _


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